Dear Felix (BETA):
Dear Felix, I have a big crush on this guy who works at the research archive where I have been spending lots of time working on a paper. He’s been my point person there, assembling my materials, scheduling my time, etc. and he’s also really really cute and tall and calm and has pretty blue eyes. I have 3 more sessions there before my presentation. What should I do?? Ask him to hang out? I can’t tell for sure if he’s definitely straight or single but I have an inkling. What to do?
-K
Time is of the essence, K, but you can’t show your cards like it’s 1:50am at the bar and you really do not want to sleep in your own bed tonight. This situation requires a healthy combination of subtlety and aggression.
There is a set of unwritten rules when it comes to breaking the customer service barrier, and it’s tough to break through those norms in order to just get to know someone. You also have the archive working against you. Unlike a more social environment like, say, a coffee shop, you can’t really strike up an enthusiastic conversation with The Archivist. The archives are pretty much a library with a scarier name. You’re in the archives. Doesn’t that sound dark and decrepit? Regardless of that, you want The Archivist to notice you, and you want him to separate you from the rest of the Young Indiana Joneses in his archive. Whether or not he’s gay or straight, single or taken, that distinction needs to be made that says to him you’re worth more than a “Hello.” It always seems like there’s no opportunity, but a quick “How are you doing?” can open up a ton of conversational doors. Try it.
Don’t get too ahead of yourself. Don’t think about what dating him will be like, or how much it will hurt to be rejected by him. Think about getting past the “Hello.” Normally, I’d advise someone to work little by little in order to make each interaction become a conversation, and each conversation to progress towards an invitation. But you don’t have that kind of time. You’re on a mission to see him outside of his usual environment, to get your questions answered, and to ultimately know what he’s all about. It’s a cliché for a reason, but you will always wonder “What if?”
So, assess the factors:
Once this project is over, will you see him regularly? Maybe not. If you’re not going to see him too often, if ever, there is very little to be embarrassed about. You’ve got nothing to lose.
What’s the worse that could happen? He doesn’t want to hang out. His loss. You’re really trying to make a friend right now — well, a friend with a romantic destination. Given the time constraints, the most you’re going to be able to do is get his number, or give him yours.
Will this creep him out? Probably not. You two do have a working relationship, and most fellas would be flattered to have a lady ask for their number. In truth, all men are narcissists and need their ego fluffed. He’ll be flattered and excited.
I’m not going to give you a script, but I will say that you should throw these unwritten rules out the window and ask the fella for some coffee or whiskey. You might get nervous, and you might want to chicken out, but once those first words come out of your mouth, it’ll feel more and more natural. This exercise will make you more confident, even if he isn’t totally down, because you did it! You got to the bottom of it, and, really, knowing is the whole point of this. Dating isn’t easy, but like most things in life, it becomes more natural with practice.
Do you have a question about dating, life, or basic cat care? Ask Felix!
